Condom Flavors
by EWHH its Kenna
Summary: /SasuSaku/ "Sasuke, have you ever read the book Hänsel und Gretel? It's about this really pretty boy named Sasuke that follows a bunch of tomatoes into the beautiful and sexy Sakura's kitchen. And, well...let's leave the rest to your imagination."


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto.

_Dedication: Perverts._

Because I can.

**Warning:** Plotless; yet, taste_ful_, _crack_-filled _smut_.

* * *

**CAN I SAY: THE BIBLE OF CONDOM FLAVORS?**

...

...

(nope.)

...

...

(Woe.)

...

(but, i still will.)

...

...

(So many _delish _flavors.)

_..._

_masseuse mint. lickable lemon. chocolate commando. banana burst. fruit-punch fountain. kinky kool-aid. s&m strawberry. orgy orange. apple asphyxia. peach porno. bestiality blackberry. gratifying grape. make it rain mango. phenylcyclohexylpiperidine_ _pineapple._

_..._

(So little morals.)

_..._

_..._

-&-

**THE SUPER-FANTABULO-SEXUAL BIBLE OF (NOT COVERING THE USAGE OF) CONDOMS. (VOL. III)**

_..._

_..._

. **m**_**a**_s_**se**__u_s_**e**__ m__**i**_n**t**—

"Aren't you psyched man? Seriously we can choose up to _four _girls!" Naruto exclaimed in joyous awry. "_Four_!" He shoved said number of digits at Sasuke's face, exaggerating exactly how many girls they could choose. Naruto had been anticipating this day since the beginning of the year, so there was no way in hell that he'd let Sasuke be a mood killler—like he usually was.

Sasuke scoffed. "This is ridiculous...—" He had been stuck in this stupid building for almost two hours, like hell was he going to be excited about some stupid birthday present that the (emphasis on) _moron_ picked out.

"NO, Sasuke," Naruto corrected, his legs bouncing up and down with excitement. "Say something about this being stupid, disgusting, or ridiculous and I'll _punch y_ou in your goddamn freakin' face. This is called getting what men truly deserve."

"It's called a massage, moron," Sasuke sighed. He brought his right hand to his temple and began his own relaxing massage as he continued to wait. "The last thing I need is for a girl—"

"Or _girls_," Naruto added, scratching his groin.

Sasuke gagged a little in his mouth when he saw Naruto wink at a forty-something year old soccer mom that was sitting across from their seats. "—groping my well-sculpted male anatomy." He shook his head in aggravation. Come October, Sasuke was taking gasoline to the ramen shop, Ichiraku, that Naruto loved so much. He smirked, that was going to be a _terrific _birthday present.

"I'm pretty sure they're not going to try too hard, knowing you swing the other way."

"Shut up," Sasuke hissed dangerously, his tone low and lathered with venom. The last thing he needed was for this idiot to be poking at his sexuality, why did _everyone _persist on making fun of him—he had a girlfriend! "You're the one who can't keep a woman for more than a day," he snidely remarked, referring to every relationship the Uzamaki had been in.

Naruto gaped, struck with horror; yet, a smug sense accomplishment lingered as well. "Hey, hey! That was completely uncalled for, _Ice Bitch_. Just because I don't like going steady, doesn't mean I don't know how to get laid."

"You are utterly appalling."

"It's called testosterone or hormones or what is it...?" The blond-haired man paused, letting Sasuke marvel in the short—_lovely_—silence. "Oh, that's right. Being a man. What you have though is probably..._estrogen_. What did your parents to do you when you were a child, put you in dresses and make you take ballet—though you probably would've thoroughly enjoyed that. Mikoto must be so depressed, having all these boys and no girls...it was bound to happen. Poor kid." Naruto threw his hand up in the air and grinned, still howling with laughter. "Sasuke, you need to get laid...—Why haven't you just gotten Sakura out of her little thongs—"

"_Thongs_?"

"You didn't know?" Naruto asked, trying his best to hold back his upcoming snort. "I'm not even dating her, less fucking—"

"We don't have sex. She's not even out of her _teenage _years." Sasuke scowled. "It's called morals."

"—her...Yeah, alright, Sasuke. She's _nineteen_, almost twenty, and, anyways, it's called pleasing a woman. God only knows why she hasn't started cheating on you." Naruto paused, almost like he just had a breakthrough. "UNLESS—"

"Don't you _dare _lower her to your standards." Sasuke growled in disgust. His annoyance was at the brinks and he was ready to punch that idiot in the jugular right about—

"Alright, sirs. Please follow me to the many lovely ladies that are ready to give you _any _type of massages." The secretary, or head-masseuse (like Sasuke would know), led them to the beaded doorway, slowly parting the entrance. "Right this way." She giggled and led the two men into the well-secluded room.

"I hate you for this." Sasuke muttered under his breath behind the blond—not exactly knowing whether he should stab him now or later.

Naruto snickered, "Yeah, yeah. It's granted, _everyday._"

The blond-haired man gaped when he saw the many women in lingerie before him, smiling, giggling, and posing. Sasuke narrowed and rolled his eyes at these disgraceful women—practically _whoring _themselves out to filthy men. (He won't deny that his eyes were examining the women—only because he had to check for concealed weapons and rape toys, _of course_.)

The man in front of Sasuke laughed. "You better have hit puberty by now or this was a _total_ waste of money." Naruto turned around, gave the Uchiha his famous, sheepish grin, and followed by throwing a light punch to his the shoulder.

"Happy Birthday, bastard!"

...

-&-

...

_(plz. dnt. tch—!)_

"Sir, aren't you going to choose anyone?" The woman asked, intimately touching Sasuke's shoulder.

The Uchiha slacked his shoulder, dodging the woman's touch and glared at her. "I don't do massages." He stated in a dry tone. He looked at the gold-trimmed clock that hung on the ceiling and grimaced. Naruto had paid for several hours, meaning he would have to sit in the waiting room and wait for him to finish.

The woman pursed her lips for a few moments, contemplating on how she should treat her obdurate customer. "Oh, I know exactly who you need!" She exclaimed in a bright tone. She scurried to a small oak table, picked up the telephone which was in the center, and began dialing several numbers. "Ah, yes. You have another customer waiting, please hurry." She muttered into the phone. "Oh, you're booked?" She paused with distaste, musing. "Hm... Don't worry, I'm sure I can take your next customer off your hands...— Are you sure?"

Sasuke frowned. Was this woman delusional? He already said he didn't _do _massages.

"Ah! Perfect. Thanks, I'm sending him to L293 right now! You get double-salary for this one!"

Sasuke's frown deepened when he saw the woman's broad smile and suggestive wiggle of the eyebrows. "Follow me," she said with satisfaction, "I just gave you our best [and newest] masseuse since you didn't choose any other women."

He frowned. "Whatever."

The raven-haired man hesitated, before sulking behind the woman. For all he cared, he could just pay her to go away.

"You should be grateful I was even able to get her." The woman said, her tone filled with irritation. "She is so booked up, that I had to give one of the scheduled customers a new deal just to fit you in."

Sasuke said nothing. Like _hell _he'd thank her.

...

-&-

...

_(llwtf? llwtf? llwtf—?!)_

-

-

He was about seven feet away from the door, leaning against the wall in a cogitative manner. When the masseuse would walk in, he could either:

a.) knock her unconscious and steal her money, then leave.

b.) pay her to let him leave.

c.) pay her, then knock her unconscious, steal _his_ [and her] money, and then leave.

His dark lashes were lulling to a close by the time the woman had come inside the door, panting. "Oh my god, I am sosososo sorry! I didn't mean to—...Sasuke?"

Said man's eyes shot open and he blinked once, twice, thrice. He swore he was delusional, or, at least, he _hoped _he was delusional. "S-Sakura?!" He coughed. "Y...You work at a massage—?"

"Sasuke, before you freak out...—I brought the anal beads." Sakura reassured him, reaching into her Bag O' Wonders. "So drop the pants—butt up, face down." She tugged at his forearm, leading him to the cushioned table

Sasuke scowled. "Sakura!" He growled, tugging his arm free of her grip. "I can't believe... What the fuck?"

"HEY! No potty-language mister!" Sakura scolded. She gave him an easy slap on the shoulder, before her hands fumbled gracelessly to his pant's zipper. "Now, seriously, Sasuke. Off with them!"

His facial expression went from petrification to blatant horror. "I don't find your sadistic humor the least bit appealing." Sasuke hissed, smacking her hands away without seconds hesitation.

"I do." She shrugged, putting a hand against his torso. "Now, look. Sasuke, I want to do my job. So let me get the lube out, I wanna make sure you aren't too uncomfortable when the beads go in!"

She contemplated her words. "Well, then again, I bet that stick up your ass...or Naruto...has already loosened—"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." Sasuke threatened.

"Just kidding, just kidding. Jeez, Sasuke! Sometimes I wonder how I can date such a humorless man." Sakura sighed. "But, then I realize how pretty you are, and all my worries disappear."

Sasuke glowered as he continued to swat away the hands that were tracing his figure.

"I'm always thinking about how pretty our children are going to be." Sakura nodded. "With my elegant beauty and succulent body—" Sakura gave a distasteful frown when she heard the Uchiha snort, "—and your...er, your horrid personality and prettiness..."

"Children?" Sasuke groaned, raising a brow. "Like I want to have sex with a pink-headed freak."

"Excuse me? You're _dating _that pink-headed freak. And by the term 'freak', I know you meant lover." Sakura smiled delightfully and pressed her hands against his cheek. "Did you want your massage or can I just go finish my other jobs."

Sasuke shook his head. "Yes, but you're quitting."

"WHAT—?!" Sakura screamed. Before she could finish, Sasuke placed his lips atop of hers. Sakura frowned and pulled away. "One, you're not as good at kissing as you think you are. Two, I _can't _quit my job, Sasuke! I have to get you your present—whoops." She put a hand over her mouth, realizing she just gave away her surprise.

"I don't want you touching these disgusting men." Sasuke smirked and stalked over to the bag she was previously carrying. He mused aloud, "At least I know it's not a shitty cake again."

"Excuse me, I don't take the disgusting men. Actually, you know who I've gotten a few times? Yeah, that's right. Your _brother_." Sakura's voiced, her tone lathered with venom. "And what do you mean by shitty?"

"My brother? God, Sakura. He's too old for you."

"_What _about that cake was shitty?" Sakura yelled, not dropping the subject.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You can't cook. Tomatoes and sugar don't go together. Especially when they're lathered in flour and frosting and eggs. Which you left part of the _shells _in too."

"Oh, right. Well, I didn't _mean _too. It was the thought that counted Sasuke. You seriously need to get over that."

"Whatever." Sasuke scoffed knowing he had won the argument. He always won the arguments—one of the pluses to dating Sakura.

Sakura pouted. "Now what am I supposed to do, Sasuke? I have been working here, but I still haven't thought of a present!"

Sasuke was still sifting through the material in her bag, when his eyes caught something drop. Curious, Sasuke bent down and plucked up the small square object. "What's...—?"

(Er... Curiosity killed the cat?)

His eyebrow twitched and his tone cracked. "_Masseuse Mint_?"

She twitched, how come he _always _has to find out every surprise? "Happy birthday." Sakura growled, sending the shocked Uchiha a feral grin.

She stalked up to the raven-haired man, who was now slowly backing up. He raised a brow and murmured a curse when he felt the wall behind him. No where left to go. It was all over for the poor man, the predator inches away from it's prey.

Sakura went for the attack.

"BE MY BABY'S DADDY!"

* * *

. _k_**in**k_y _**k**_**o**_o**l**-a_i__**d**_—

Sasuke gagged, choking on the little saliva he had in his dry throat. "There is no way in _hell_!"

"Oh _yes_," Ino nodded, "I was talking with Sai and he said Sakura was the one who bought the chocolate syrup."

"That has nothing to do with sex." Sasuke stated in an apathetic tone, "She has what she calls a sweet-tooth. Chocolate syrup is for—"

"Drizzling on your boytoy?" Ino interjected, a wide grin plastering on her face. Her eyes searched up and down the racks of the store—"Oh, boy, look! _Climax Rabbit_, Sakura likes rabbits doesn't she?"

"I _hate _you." Sasuke spat with pure disgust, "Why are we in here anyways?"

"I like this store, they have a bunch of nice outfits. Sakura and I come here all the—"

Sasuke blanched. "I don't want to hear this."

"Ooh! Door Jam Cuffs! I need to get some of these for Shika-love." Ino smiled widely and reached for said item.

The Uchiha watched Ino plop the item in his hands and he growled with disgust. "What the fuck?!" He hissed. "I'm _not _holding these." He wished his tone came off firm and demanding like it was meant to, not strained.

"Those are the Fluffy Pink Handcuffs," Ino emphasize what she was pointing at by getting them down, "that Sai said she bought." She set them in Sasuke's arms that were now cradling numerous sex toys and he averted his eyes.

"Why does Sai know?"

Ino gave him a questioning look, "Oh... _Shit_! I thought you knew..." Ino gave an innocent look and battered her eyelashes. "Look a Butt Plug! Ooh! A Gigi!" Her attention was diverted to the raging Uchiha when she heard her items dropping to the floor. "SASUKE!" Ino growled, "Go put those things at the counter and leave, don't just drop such intricacies on the ground"!

"You're..." Sasuke shuddered, a mixture of rage and abhorrence, "..._disgusting_."

...

-&-

...

_(drm jb: prn. str—!)_

-

-

"_Sakura_!" Sasuke yelled, slamming the door open with such force her apartment gave a slight tremble. He waited a few moments for a response, but a dreaded silence greeted him. He narrowed his eyes in envy, there was no way in hell Sakura was having sex with Sai rather than him.

No. Fucking. Way.

"_Sakura_?" He called out again, this time beginning to explore the area. He heard some shuffling, but he couldn't quite pin where the noise was coming from. There were three choices, Sakura's bedroom, the bathroom, or the kitchen.

If he took time to think about it, when he walked towards her room, he would have just glanced over the counter to see whether or not she was in the kitchen. But his anger reduced him to a man with one need.

Angry sex.

Obsidian eyes caught the gleam of her door's gold handle. He walked with a swift pace down the short hallway and he slowly tried his best to regain what was left of his composure.

She had to have been home, she didn't have work today. Didn't she hear him when he called her name?

Sasuke gave a frustrated growl, "How _annoying_." His hand, now growing slightly clamming from an unknown fear, held the door handle with a vice-like grip. It was time to take charge and fix this girl's sexual frustrations with him!

He pushed the door opened. He scowled when no one was in there; however, he noted the _tomato _on the ground..?

A peculiar look appeared on Sasuke's face, why was there a tomato on the ground. Walking up, dubious of any possible traps, he bent down and picked up the red fruit. "Hn..." He grunted, musing over every little detail of the obscure room. "She really needs to clean." He mumbled to himself, looking at all the papers, clothes, and toys that were thrown askew on her floor.

That's when he noticed it.

Another tomato.

Then, another, and another, and another...

"A trail..?"

He set the tomato he had in his hand on her bed and began following the trail that was left on the ground. Sakura really must have perceived his liking of tomatoes to some sort of fetish or obsession, because he swore he passed a bottle of ketchup and a bowl of tomato soup—she must have ran out of the actual fruit.

He stopped dead in his tracks at the last tomato and the kitchen tile.

...

-&-

...

_(hnsl. nd. grtl—!)_

-

-

Sasuke wearily picked up the last tomato and examined it, bringing it close to his eyes. "Sakura?" He asked as he continued to examine the fruit.

He stiffened when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, "What the _hell_?!" He hissed, trying to back away from her grip. "Sakura!"

"What?" She asked, smiling devilishly. She inched her fingers onto his hands and slowly brought his hands down behind him and onto her waist. "Did I do something wrong, Sasuke?" Her tongue clicked on the last syllable of his name and he shuddered when he suddenly heard a _click_!

Sasuke raised a brow, suspicious. "What are you doing?" He interrogated. Sakura was a sketchy character already, she could never be trusted.

He suddenly noticed that what he previously thought were her hands wrapped around his wrists were the antithesis.

_"Those are the Fluffy Pink Handcuffs," Ino emphasize what she was pointing at by getting them down, "that Sai said she bought.' She set them in Sasuke's arms that were now cradling numerous sex toys and he averted his eyes._

"Sasuke, have you ever read the book _Hänsel_ und _Gretel_?" Sakura pressed on, pushing him towards the refrigerator.

Sasuke groaned when he felt the tomato leave his hand and watched Sakura place the said item on the counter. "I was never one for fairy tales." He said honestly. Was she implying that he was gay? Boys his age didn't ready _fairy tales_.

"It's about this really pretty boy named Sasuke that follows a bunch of tomatoes—"

"Are you serious?" Sasuke deadpanned.

"—into the beautiful and sexy Sakura's kitchen—"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but suddenly panicked when he saw her enclose those fluffy pink handles around the refrigerator's handle. "You have no idea how the story goes, do you?" Sasuke hissed, thrashing at her.

Sakura shook her head and laughed. "Nah, but you are _so _ruining the moment."

Sasuke sighed. "You're annoying."

Sakura shrugged and continued with her story. "—and that beautiful and sexy Sakura decides to rape the pretty boy—"

Suddenly, the Uchiha rose an exquisite brow and smirked when he saw the _Kinky Kool-aid _condom escape from her pocket. "But, then again, some fairy tales aren't too bad." He mused aloud with an almost amused tone.

"—and drizzle chocolate syrup all over him."

Sasuke's jaw dropped.

"No. _Fucking_. Way."

* * *

. _o__**r**_g_**y**_** o**_**r**__a_n**g**_e_—

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Hey babycakes.

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Go away. I'm at  
my internship.

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

What are you  
wearing right now?

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Clothes, idiot.

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

You're supposed to  
ask me what I'm  
wearing now.

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

I don't care.

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

I'm not wearing  
anything. ;)

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

And I'm holding  
an _Orgy Orange _  
condom.

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Why are you  
naked?

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

b/c I'm modeling  
for Sai. He needs it  
for his final project.

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Sasuke?

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

I was just  
kidding. You big  
baby.

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

I hate you.

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

You should cum  
over now. I have the  
whipped cream. :)

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Stop this Sakura.

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

I think I could  
fall madly in  
bed with you. ;)

...

-&-

...

_(sx. + txtng. = sxting—!)_

**TO: **Sasuke  
**FROM:** Your Broksi  
**SUBJECT:** Sakura

Are you and Sakura  
still together?

**TO: **Itachi  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** RE: Sakura

Aa. Why?

**TO: **Sasuke  
**FROM:** Your Broksi  
**SUBJECT:** Sakura

She just sent me  
n00dz.

...

-&-

...

_(pckp. lns. ftw—!)_

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Are you still  
naked?

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Yeah. Why?

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

Good. I'm in trouble.  
I need your help.

**TO: **My Delectable Piece of Grade-A Man Meat  
**FROM:** The Most Perfect Girl in the World.  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

What? Why?!  
D:

**TO: **Sakura  
**FROM:** Sasuke  
**SUBJECT:** [No subject]

The FBI wants to  
steal my penis.  
Can I hide it inside  
you?

* * *

. **m**_a__**k**_e _i_**t ra**i_n __**m**__a_n**g**_**o**_—

To say that Sasuke was confused would be an understatement, but a definite nonetheless. The fact that Sakura was going out was one thing, that was typical and not confusing. The idea that she didn't invite him to go with her..._that _was what stumped him. Sakura was one to always beg him to come with her and party, shop, and/or have sex in public areas—which, by the way, was utterly unhygienic!

But, here he was.

The mighty Uchiha sitting all alone on a Friday night.

Doing nothing.

It wasn't like he hadn't been invited to hang out with people. Naruto called him earlier to go to some club with him, apparently the group was going. But, Sasuke had no interest in dancing around and having women stare at him dead-on for hours upon end. He figured that no one too interesting was going anyways. The club scene was typically the same people: Naruto, Neji, Kiba, Kakashi, Hinata (if Naruto could tempt her), Shikamaru, Ino, Sakura, and—

Sakura.

Oh.

_Fuck_.

Sasuke's attention was diverted with he heard his Blackberry began vibrating against the oak desk.

**BUZZ.  
BUZZ.**

_**BUZZ.**_

"_Sasukeee!_"

"Hn—?"

"_You should seriously come here. They have my favorite song—Oh! Front, Back, Side to Side! Front-Front, Back-Back, Side—Ooh, Sasuke. Come on! Let's play some games! They have cages here, honey. Cages! And—Oh God! POLES! Is that a foam machine? I loveee this. Sasuke, it would be so fantasmORGASMIC if you were hereee—Hey baby, come shirtless, okiedokie_?"

"Sak—?"

"_Mmm! HAPPY HOUR! My fave. Oh my God, Sasuke—I know you seriously wanna keep chat-chitting it up with me...—but, Oh that's hot—uh, One Long Island Iced Tea, puh-leaseee! Alrighty, snookums, I'm—Hey boyyy, what's your name?—Oh right—You want...my number?_—_Oh! Sasuke, you're still on the phone? Teehee. Why did you call me so late?—Uh, yeah. That's the right number—I gotsa go!—... ... teehee ... ..._—_NO YOU CAN'T LICK MY LEG!—Bye-bye, love_!"

"Sak—!"

**CALL ENDED.  
CALL ENDED.**

_**CALL ENDED.**_

_**-if you would like to make another call, please hang up and try again!-**_

"God..._dammit_." Sasuke cursed, glaring at the phone.

Why did he have to pick the most _annoying_ girl in the world to date?

...

-&-

...

_(dnc. dnc. dnc. I—!)_

It has not been emphasized enough: Sasuke _loathes_ clubs.

Really.

First off, it took him approximately an hour and a half of waiting outside—in maximum heat and humidity, during the middle of the night—just to get inside. Secondly, he was all alone in the middle of a line, and everyone in front and behind him were in groups or in the process of making friends. Next, he was in between apparently multitudes of bisexual swingers, because it wasn't _just _women that were groping his butt.

Oh _no_.

By the time Sasuke had entered the club, he was tired, aggravated, and pissed.

Numerous colored strobe lights were flashing in his general direction, forcing him to cup his hand above his eyes to resemble that of a visor. He growled with despise when some woman accidentally ran into him, spilling her cosmopolitan all over his _white _dress shirt and pants. "Are you fucking serious?" Sasuke hissed, glaring at the woman and then at his pink stained shirt. He grunted a low growl before brushing past the woman, his fury continuing to bubble higher and higher.

After having someone step on his foot—may he mention, with a stiletto—Sasuke had managed to find one person. Of course, this person happened to be one of the people he dreaded the most.

Neji was standing by several women, swaying to the beat of the overly emphasized bass. Sasuke groaned when he noticed exactly how _out of it _Neji seemed to be. The brunette man was just standing there, swaying and stifling his giggles as a blond hair woman beside him ordered him another wine cooler and herself a strawberry margarita. Sasuke scoffed at the rather feminine man. He was drinking a _wine cooler_.

Setting aside the information for later blackmail, Sasuke got straight to the point with the man. "Hyuuga, where is Sak—?"

Said man blinked at the Uchiha with a wavering recognition. He opened his mouth to respond to Sasuke, but no coherent speech managed to escape his parched lips. The Hyuuga staggered up to Sasuke, his wine cooler slushing all over the ground—including his _and _Sasuke's shoes. Sasuke dismissed the fact that his shoes were now also dirty, courtesy of Neji, as he waited for the drunk to give an answer. "Who—Heh, heh. Sakura—ha ha? Tee...hee, Naruto—ha heh, uh, hah—dance... Ha ha!" Was all the slighty understandable speech Neji provided. The brunette extended his arm until it wrapped awkwardly around Sasuke's neck. "Heh, you're rather...ha ha, handsome, you knows?"

He scoffed with disgust before brushing Neji's hand off of him.

To think that he used to have high thoughts of this supposedly "_prestigious_" Hyuuga.

At the same moment Sasuke was about to reply to Neji's supposed answer, the deafening techno came to an abrupt stop and the loudspeakers boom with an announcement.

...

-&-

...

_(dnc. dnc. dnc. II—!)_

"Everyone that isn't participating in the walkway's dance must get off the stage immediately!" The announcer called out as applause filled the entire club, he paused a moment for the clapping to die down. "Those who are ready to dance, get up here now and we'll me starting momentarily."

The crowd whistled, cheered, and stomped.

"WOOO!"

"Enjoy the rest of your evening, and—REMEMBER!" The announcer winked and wiggled his brows at the audience. "We have complimentary _Make It Rain Mango_ condoms for your lasting experience! So let the dancing...—BEGIN!"

...

-&-

...

_(dnc. dnc. dnc. III—!)_

The Uchiha looked at the stage and rolled his eyes, several women had already taken off their top and were, as they screamed, "shaking their moneymakers". Like hell Sasuke knew what that meant, but that was on a different tangent. When Sasuke's eyes caught glimpse of Sakura's pink hair he let out a low, guttural growl. To say Sasuke was surprised to see Sakura up there, would be an overstatement. It was too..._typical_ nowadays to get surprised anymore by her antics.

Sakura was swaying on the stage, her top slowly itching it's way off her shoulder along with her bra strap. Her hands were raising above her head and when the bass grew louder she began swaying her hips harder. All of a sudden, Naruto appeared behind the young girl and began pelvic thrusting against her.

Now, to say Sasuke was surprised... Well, that would be an _understatement_.

Apparently both the Uzamaki and the Haruno were sexually frustrated friends, for they were grinding and dancing and de-clothing and de-virginizing each other in the process of a simple _dance_. Sasuke's fury quickly spiked when Naruto beckoned for a drunken Neji to come help him dance-wich Sakura. If Sasuke wasn't an Uchiha, he would have probably hulked out by now and destroyed every little thing (and person) in the club. But, being an Uchiha left him only one option...

The Uchiha began stomping up in a rather quick pace to the dance stage.

"Woah, woah man." One of the bouncers halted Sasuke in mid-stomp, and he crossed his arms. "You can't go up there, unless you dance." The bouncer gave a quick up-down glance at Sasuke and said, "And you don't look like much of a dancer."

Like hell he was a fucking dancer. "Fuck you." Sasuke hissed. "I'm one of the best in Chip 'n' Dales." Sasuke glared at the man and took off his stained shirt in one swift motion. "Now let me get up their and dance goddammit!"

The bouncer raised a brow and quickly apologized. "Have fun." He chuckled, standing aside for the self-proclaimed Chip 'n' Dale dancer to do his thang.

...

-&-

...

_(dnc. dnc. dnc. IV—!)_

"Oh shit..." Naruto panted, obviously worn out from his extreme pelvic thrusting, "...Neji, we gotta bail!" Naruto screamed in horror, aghast at a raging, shirtless Sasuke dancing his way over to them. Sasuke's hands were above his head and he was swaying his hips, pelvic thrusting, and getting ready to pounce the two men by Sakura. Quickly, Neji gave one last pelvic thrust to Sakura before Naruto grabbed the Hyuuga's hand and dispersed into the crowded stage.

Sakura, apparently oblivious to their disappearance, began grinding against the next body that had come up behind her.

Sasuke breathed down her neck and his hands trailed to her abdomen, successfully closing the previous gap that had kept their bodies from grinding against one another. His head buried into the nape of her neck and he smirked against her skin, his pace slowling down into an off-tempo beat.

Sakura pouted, her lips turning to his ear. She whispered, "Hey you, you're off time—"

Sasuke chuckled and made her join his rhythm. He quickly flipped her around so they were dancing front-to-front, before he quickly slammed his lips against hers. Before Sakura had a chance to deepen the kiss, Sasuke let her mouth go, a smirk playing on his lips.

"Shut up and enjoy my Chip 'n' Dale dancing while it lasts."

* * *

. **p**_c_**p** _p__**i**_**n**_**e**__a_p_**p**__l_**e**—

Sakura picked at her chipping (_Stab Me in the Eye Because I Love You) _blue fingernails. She glowered and pouted and cursed Sasuke Uchiha. He was the devil. A freakin' hot devil.

But, a devil nonetheless.

The room was completely silent, waiting for Sakura to break it. She let out a long, hard sigh and then stood up. "Hello." She gave a broad smile to the group, before continuing. Her right hand now preoccupied with twirling a strand of pink locks that had fallen from behind her ear. "My name is Sakura Haruno..." Her emerald eyes gave a quick glance to the man with a suit and tie, the obvious leader of the group.

Said man gave a nod for the girl to continue.

"...and I'm _apparently _a sex addict."

...

-&-

...

_(jk. jk. jk—!)_

"I totally _don't _have a problem." Sakura said, shrugging off all the supposed metaphorical weight that has burdened the poor girl her entire life. "It's my boyfriend that has a problem." She said, her thumb directing to the glowering, raven-haired man behind her. "He's making me come to this meeting, because of his pent up sexual frustration." She said with ease. "I mean, seriously. I think he's just scared of having sex with me. Maybe he's too self-conscious about his wee-wee." She snickered. "Or maybe he's cheating on me. Or maybe he doesn't like sex. Or maybe he's just deep in the closet. Or maybe he wants to stop using condoms and start a family... Or maybe, he wants a threesome...with his brother."

Sakura nodded to herself. "That's probably it... Sasuke, you should have just told me. I can call up Itachi right after this!" In return to her statement, Sasuke gave a deathly glare but said nothing.

The leader stared at Sasuke, raising his brows. The man was obviously finding this girl to be very humorous. "Sasuke...was it?"

"Hn." Sasuke grunted in response.

"Well, do you have anything to say to Sakura's comments and accusations?"

Sasuke looked at the pink headed girl and then grunted. "Aa." Another pause filled the room, before Sasuke cleared his throat and began speaking. "Sakura raped me."

The group laughed.

"You go girl!"

"Pfft. He's a pussy."

"Damn, I wouldn't complain about that."

Sakura groaned. "Don't give me that. Listen to me, my dearest group... Sasuke... S-Sasuke...raped me." She lied. Hey, two could totally play at this game. And, be-tee-dubs, Sakura had a tendency to be on the winning streak win it came to sexual fights.

Oh, the power of women.

...

-&-

...

_(wtf? wtf? wtf—?)_

The group's laugh died down and a feeling of disgust radiated from them.

"You... You _raped _this poor girl?!" A woman screamed in horror, jumping up and pointing a finger at the wide-eyed Uchiha.

"Hello no!" Sasuke growled. "I didn't _rape _her."

"He's getting defensive!"

"Only guilt people get defensive!"

Sasuke looked around, a facial expression compiled of increasing fury and annoyance was forming. He looked at Sakura for a moment, who was now winking and sticking her tongue out at him. This girl was the epitome of annoying. She was a freak (Supa freak, supa freak!). Period.

"Dear God, man! Christ! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! How could you have raped such an innocent woman!"

"How disgusting!"

"Call the cops!"

"Quickly, let's burn him!"

"BURN HIM!"

Sasuke stood up, all the while, trying to keep his cool. He stomped up, grabbed Sakura's forearm, and dragged her out of the room.

"Oh no! He's going to rape her..._again_!"

Sakura grinned and hooked her arm around Sasuke's, skipping by his side. "I love you, Sasuke!" She sang with delight, her hand delving through her purse. "And look, at this!" She held up a small square excitedly.

...

-&-

...

_(rp. rp. rp—!)_

"They gave us a free _PCP Pineapple_ condom for coming today!"

"I hate you," Sasuke growled and rolled his eyes, "and now, I'm probably going to be on the Top 10 most want sexual offenders list."

Sakura shrugged.

"At least you can rape me with a pineapple flavored condom tonight."

* * *

. _o_**wa**r_i_—

* * *

**A/N: **I have no idea. But, I still loved writing it.

EWHH its Kenna


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